Friday, January 05, 2007

Staple Curse Awards! (see what happens when you don't use punctuation??)

Oh, guys. Today is one of those days. You know those days where, if you're a Normal Person, you give a little sigh and go back to bed, figuring you can cut your losses? Well I'm not a Normal Person. I'm one of those people that just sort of..keeps going. Plodding on rather absentmindedly, not for all the world caring that I may be killing people, simply by walking past them.

Guys, I've got the curse today. And the curse wants to take me down. Possibly I watched too many scary movies...possibly the Ring girl and the little girl from Amityville Horror have colluded to kill me. Unfortunately for them, I am too mulishly resilient to be severely hurt or deterred by silly little things like Killer Staples or Flying StapLERs.

First of all..I should probably illustrate for you the kind of mood I am. It is...an odd mood. It is also one of those moods that you REALLY hope you're in when you have the Curse, because it's almost impossible to really upset you when you're in this mood. Here is a brief example - tomorrow is my spa day. I've been sending emails to my best friend all day about it, and they look like this -

From: 'Kathleen'
Sent: Friday, January 05, 2007 1:38 PMTo: 'Tara' Subject: RE: WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP
I know dude....I'm so freaking excited. Everytime I think to myself "hmm tomorrow is saturday" it's like this -"Hmm. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is Saturday. Wait. .... Tomorrow. Is. Saturday. Saturday..um.....OMG SPA RELAX DAY OF KATE AND TARA FUN OMG OMG OMG SCALP TREATMENT WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and all that happens in my head in about .09808 seconds and the synapses in my brain start firing and probably my head will just explode by tomorrow.


You see, guys? I'm weird today. Which is good, because it was probably that Weird Shield I have that protected me from the Curse.

Get ready to be scared. Seriously.

Here are the things the Curse did to me today.

- Made me break my monitor with my stapler. There I was, minding my own business, reaching for my pretty, shiny, fancy, heavy stapler when BAM! It just went FLYING out of my hand and INTO my monitor. ALL BY ITSELF.
What sucks about this, is that at my work, we don't have those big hunkin crappy monitors. Nooooo. We have the abagazillion dollar flat screen LCD monitors. That are now broken. Accounting and IT probably hate me now. I tried to tell them it was the Curse, but they were skeptical.

- Made me staple myself to my desk with said stapler. I have no idea how this happened. Like, noooo idea. The Curse is getting creative I suppose. Because one second, I'm stapling a pretty report together, and the next...I can't move. Because my sleeve. Is stapled. To my desk. My desk is not soft guys, it's that hard formica-esque thick plastic stuff that nuclear bombs can't hurt...how did a STAPLE penetrate it??? I tried to pull, but it was jammed something fierce. So then I tried a staple remover. Possibly I hurt myself with that, but no comment. So then I was forced to ask for help. Again, I TRIED to tell them about the Curse. They recommended therapy.

- Made me fall off my chair. Not like..I went to get up and I fell. Or I spun too fast on my fancy, swivel chair and fell. Like...I just..fell. One second I was sitting, next I was on floor. There is no in between for this, I swear. Like: 1:17:12 p.m. Sitting. Typing! 1:17:12.5 p.m. on floor, weeping slightly.

- Made me break the phone. Someone was calling me, ok? So I answered. And it was no one. So I said "Que?" For you non-spanish speakin folk out there, that's Spanish for "Who is this and why do you bother me so while I"m just trying to order an inspection for this here strip club?" But they must not have spoken Spanish, and they hung up. So then it rang again. I tried German this time. Still no answer. And on and on until I ran out of languages, and I can say "what" in like...a lot of languages, people! So finally, I just slammed the phone down really hard, because they were interrupting me, and I just wanted to be DONE with this inspection for Ursula's Teat already, OK?! And, possibly, the phone did not like this. The phone said, "OW! YOU HURT ME YOU FLUENT IN SPANISH BEAUTIFUL LOSER. NOW I SHALL DIE SO I.T. WILL HATE YOU MORE." And it died. It just..went...all dead-like. So I called IT from my neighbor's desk. I told them about the mysterious prank caller.

They said - "Don't you read your email? We sent out a company wide email about an hour ago to turn the ringers off on all phones because we're testing the voice over IP lines and they would be ringing periodically."
I said - "Oh. Well. Sorry bout that. That phone sucked anyway, it was really staticky."
They said - "That's not a regular phone. It's a Voice over IP computer."
I said - "Um. Cool. Whatever. When can I get a new one?"
They said - "After you explain to _____ why you disregarded a company email and broke a $400 phone."
I said - "Oh. Hmm. Ok, so can you do that for me?"
They said - "No."
I said - "...Ok. Well. I don't really need a phone. BYE!"


- Spilled iced tea all over my white turtleneck with ripped sleeve (see above.)




So possibly for sure I am Cursed. Don't come near me or you might die! Or get stapled! Or perhaps maybe you'll just get a chance to laugh really, really hard. Cuz I haven't hurt myself or gotten yelled at in like 15 minutes, so I'm probably due.



And now that I've entertained you with stories that will most definitely become a part of the "Stories How I Am Dumb" collection, I have a few requests.

#1. Lurkers, can you come out and play? Just for a little bit, pleaaase? Apparently there are some lurky-lurkerers around, I would just like them to stop in and say Hi so I know they are reading. You don't have to comment regularly, just pop in once in a while! PLEASE?

#2. Please go nominate some people for the Bloggie Awards ( 2007.bloggie.com ), ok? If you'd like some suggestions, I'd recommend -

Miss Doxie, of www.missdoxie.com, for either Most Humorous, Blog of the Year, Best Writing in a Blog. Pretty much Doxie rocks..very cool, very funny.

Norman, of www.iamnorman.blogspot.com, for Most Humorous.

Subserviant Worker of www.widelawns.blogspot.com, for Best Kept Secret

Waiter of www.waiterrant.net, or Debra of barmaidblog.livejournal.com, both for Best Writing in a Blog.

So go vote guys! It's a pity there's not a Most Stupid and Pointless Words to Ever Leak From Someone's Computer Even Worse Than That Andy Milonakis Rap Video From About 1999 in a Blog award, or else I'd totally bribe you to nominate me.

See ya!

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